Noah was fucking OLD

N O A H ' S   A R K

Okay, so we all know the story of Noah's Ark. Noah loved God very much, and God loved Noah a lot too ... but not enough to call the next day after promising he would, you know? Anyways, lots of people in the World were bad and it made God all sad face like this ;_; (those are his holy tears). So he got angry at the people and he came to Noah and was like "LISTEN HERE! You have loved me and I would like to kill everyone. Build me a boat!"

So Noah built the Ark and apparently he was like fucking 600 ... WTF!? Anyways, God told Noah "Take your whole family into the ark because I have found you to be good. Well, except your slutty niece ... no one likes her and I think she has crabs." And then he decided that animals were allowed to go into the ark but only two of each. So Noah gathered up all the animals. 

"Mr. Lion! It's time to go into the ark before the flood." said Noah to the lion. "Can I bring friends?" asked the lion. "Yes, but only one" replied Noah. "Well I'm not bringing my wife!" said Mr. Lion, "She's a fucking bitch". God agreed, and so it was decided Mr. Lion's scantily clad and promiscuous assistant would accompany him on this trip.

It rained for like 40 days and flooded for 150 or some shit like that, and Noah was getting  alittle tired of the constant sea sickness. Plus, the Hippos ate some bad shit before entering the Ark and so there was like Hippo Shit EVERYWHERE. So anyways it all stopped, and dried up and everyone was allowed to go on with their own business. And sooo yeah, Noah and his family (minus slutty neice Jasmin) were left to re-populate the world again ... kinda gross when you think about it, but I guess they had fun and stuff.

And God promised never to do it again.

And then Hurricane Katrina came. God lies. :(